Don't Get Caught Looking at Porn in the Library

The Frat Boy News daily campus police report for Thursday:

University of Massachusetts (compiled by The Mass Media)
Feb. 5 - 10:50 a.m.: Police responded to reports of a fire in front of a dorm. Police responded to the scene only to find an ashen cigarette receptacle, without fire but replete with half smoked cigarettes.

Feb. 5 - 10:55 a.m.: A report came from the administration building of something smelling like gas. Upon arriving at the scene, Police learned that the smell came from a build up of methane in a lavrotory on the first floor.

Feb. 5 - 3:30 p.m.: A heated exchange of words broke out between a library staff member and a surveyor of pornography she was scolding. The argument escalated after the librarian informed the pervert that library policy forbids people to do or view perverse things in sacred learning institutions such as, say, libraries for instance. Campus Police responded to the disturbance and immediately ejected the juvenile ejaculator on trespassing charges.

Feb. 7 - 1:30 p.m.: A group of juveniles went around the Athletic Center robbing wallets from the pants and purses of people who left their things unattended to while playing games. Police caught the thieving juveniles, and returned some of the lost items.

Feb. 11 - 3:54 p.m.: Police responded to a 911 call in the Clark Center. Police arrived and found the call to be a prank, and that the purported prankster had left before Police arrived.